Featured Essay: Anti-Christmas Tunes

by Jason Bombach

  It’s somehow that time of year again. Here in the midwestern mitten, the snow has fallen along with the temperature and it’s no longer a pristine blank canvas which washes the world’s sins away, but instead a black and brown slush that soaks its way into your socks after sliding through it on your morning commute. The trees are dead, the air hurts, and the sun no longer exists. It’s been replaced by four hours of an amorphous grey slate covering the sky. And yet, I’m expected to be filled with joy and merriment because it’s Christmas. Bah Humbug.

  There are a lot of reasons I’m so sour on Christmas. Firstly, I’m kind of the black sheep in my family. As a result, I try to limit my interaction with my bloodline. But no matter how much I seem to shoot my mouth off with my “commie bullshit”, the only holiday I’ve not been uninvited to is Christmas. It’s the one time a year I sit through questions about my lack of a wife and children, my dead end job, and talk about all the things Fox News has told the rest of my former household to be scared of. Luckily for me, until recently, there was the second reason I hate Christmas, I used to work it. Most of the jobs I’ve had in my life were places open on Christmas. Which meant, while I didn’t have to interact with my family, I did have to interact with the public. If you think the holly jolly Christmas spirit is so abundant in this magical time, you’ve never been between someone and beer you can’t legally sell them on Christmas Eve. Some folks out there must not know that assaulting a 7-Eleven clerk is a fast track to the naughty list. 

  But the reason I hate Christmas most of all is I am almost allergic to forced, fake, unearned joy. Whether it’s Christmas, overly chipper customer service (I once had someone in the Taco Bell drive through greet me with a “Well a happy hello to you on this wonderful Taco Tuesday! What can I get for ya?”. I drove off), or overly familiar managers, it physically repulses me. I grew up in an environment with little tolerance for bullshit and all this fake nicety sends my bullshit meter off the charts. When someone has that forced smile and high pitched, patronizing voice, they want something from you and are trying to swindle you out of it using the tactics of a lawyer or politician instead of doing something more honest like pulling a knife on you in an alley. Maybe it’s the antiauthoritarian streak in me or maybe I’m just a little stinker but the more you tell me to do something or how I should feel, the more sour I become. If I have others forcing merriment on me, I become a real crank. I don’t go by The Curmudgeon on my socials for nothing after all.

  Now, you might be thinking, “Why are you telling us all this, you sad sack piece of shit? What does it have to do with records?”. Harsh but fair. I say all this because there just might be others out there like me. Others who, for one reason or another, just don’t jive with this obligated ceremony of saccharine gaiety. People who want their joy to be earned the old fashioned way. By being creative or falling in love or punching a nazi. People who do not find their happiness in scrolling through Amazon wishlist, spending money they don’t have on people they barely tolerate or having to rub elbows with racist uncles and strange second cousins. And for those people like me, I have a gift this holiday. I have for you a list of songs to get you through this, the most overbearing time of year. It’s a melancholic, absurd and angry soundtrack for us to enjoy while we are black bagging people who give retail workers grief about saying “Happy Holidays” to ship them to the re-education camps on the South Pole in the ever expanding war on Christmas. To all my fellow cranks, curmudgeons, and Debby Downers out there, I say, Happy New Year!

The Sad Songs

  As alluded to before, I am and always have been a sad boi. A Debby Downer. A morose weirdo. I’m always ready in any conversation with a thought full of existential dread. (Insert Barbie “Do you ever think about dying?” Meme here) And yes, I am single. So when the toxic positivity of the holidays that I’ve been moaning about rolls around, it only heightens the absurdity of the world. My natural reaction is to just get bummed.

  But let’s face it, there’s a lot to be bummed about. There’s the rise of fascism, genocide, climate catastrophe, and you want me to get excited about a fresh pair of socks and some dry ass ham? I work midnights, so I don’t see the sun from mid October to April. There’s just nothing you can stuff in a stocking that’s gonna kill those blues. So here are some songs I instead choose to wallow in.

Tom Waits, ‘Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis’ from Blue Valentine

  I listen to this every year around this time, specifically the live version from the Live at Austin City Limits, 1978. “All my friends are dead or in prison” hits me every time.

LCD Sound System, ‘Christmas Will Break Your Heart’ from a one sided 7” Single

  This holiday themed “New York, I Love You” feels like it’s calling me out as someone who spends most holidays and really most of my time, alone. Really captures that feeling of lying in bed in the middle of the night, Christmas lights on in the next room, feeling despondent. 

Joni Michell, ‘River’ from Blue

  I too would like to skate away but with my luck I’d fall through the ice like that old GI Joe PSA and no one would be there to give me the stick.

Sufjan Steven’s, ‘That Was The Worst Christmas Ever’ from Songs For Christmas

  What Sufjan song isn’t on sad boi playlist the world over?

Tim Minchin, ‘White Wine in The Sun’ from Ready For This?

  This one isn’t exactly sad but it sure feels sad that, when all most people really want to do at Christmas is sit back, relax, and enjoy community in a way that lets you appreciate this strange blip of a life, instead we commercialize it and attach it to dogma. 

John Prine, ‘Christmas in Prison’ form Souvenirs

  This is a good partner to the Tom Waits song. Like it was written by someone in the male correctional facility in the same town.

Sound Happy, But Damn

  Maybe you’re not like me and you don’t wear your somber heart on your sleeve. You prefer to attach your misery to a catchy melody or an upbeat tempo. A Trojan horse of discontent. These songs are the sugar to get the medicine of depression down easy.

Brenda Lee, ‘Christmas Will Be Just Another Lonely Day’ from Merry Christmas from Brenda Lee

  One of many pop songs that, until you listen closely, you could just mindlessly dance too. 

Miles Davis, ‘Blue Xmas (To Whom It May Concern)’ from Jingle Bell Jazz

  Jazz is the secret weapon of holiday music. Winter just feels like a time for some cool jazz and bee bop. You can easily slip this in after A Charlie Brown Christmas by The Vince Guaraldi Trio and no one would be the wiser.

The Punks and/or Rockers

  Sometimes it all just becomes too much. Everyone is too chipper, too cutesy and too in your way. Sometimes you just gotta rage. That’s when you find yourself in need of my one true religion (sorry SubGeniuses), punk rock. So put these on, dive into the Christmas tree, wall of death with Holiday shoppers, and smash a few family ornaments. 

Ramones, ‘Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want to Fight Tonight)’ from Brain Drain

  The Ramones could get real silly with it sometimes and this is one of those times. It’s like a holiday remix of their song ‘We’re a Happy Family’ and just as dysfunctional. Make sure to check out the music video.

Pansy Division, ‘Homo Christmas’ from the Fem in a Black Jacket Single

  Just one that is sure to offend your least favorite relative. If you can get access to the Bluetooth speaker, it’s sure to get you kicked out of Christmas dinner.

The Damned, ‘There Ain’t No Sanity Clause’ Single

  This gets its title from one of my favorite Marx Brothers bits. Play it for that annoying young cousin who still believes in Santa. This single also has a MC5 cover on the B-Side which makes this Detroit boy undeservedly proud. 

The Kinks, ‘Father Christmas’ Single

  Finally a Christmas song with a little material analysis! Workers of the world, you have nothing to lose but your tinsel!

Everclear, ‘I Will Be Hating You For Christmas’ from So Much For The Afterglow

  Everclear is a severely underrated band. Most Christmas songs about heartbreak are begging the lost lover to come back but not Art Alexakis. He’s still pissed and wants you to know it.

The Sonics, ‘Don’t Believe in Christmas’ Single

  The better of the two sides of this Christmas 7 inch. A band I was in covered this once and it’s just as fun to play as it is to hear. Great organ and dripping with bitterness over small past slights. As Christmas should be.

Fear, ‘Fuck Christmas’ from The Record

  One of two song titled ‘Fuck Christmas’ on this list. As I was saying before, the world is a shambles, fuck Christmas. It does what it says on the tin. 

The Jokers

  To go back to that existential absurdity, sometimes the only logical reaction to how dumb everything is, is to laugh about it. Like when you’re having a bad luck day, full of small things going wrong like your alarm doesn’t go off and your laundry is still wet and you keep dropping everything. On days like that, I like to say, gravity is just hitting you different. Then after a long day of small cuts, one more small indignity happens. Your options are to snap and go on a rampage or just laugh at how ludicrous being a human being is. 

Eric Idle, ‘Fuck Christmas’

  The second of the pair of ‘Fuck Christmas’ titles. The Monty Python alum really just puts into song this whole article. An anthem for the misanthrope.

Tom Lehrer, ‘A Christmas Carol’ from An Evening (Wasted) with Tom Lehrer

  The commercial aspect is often disguised in the propaganda of toxic positivity and caring. In this classic, it’s been flipped as the legend Tom Lehrer was known to do. RIP.

Weird Al, ‘The Night Santa Stole Christmas’ from Bad Hair Day

  One of two Christmas Weird Al song (The other being ‘Christmas at Ground Zero’) and for me, the more relatable one. We are all one bad day away from losing it, so Santa was bound to go sometime.

  There you have it. An anti-Xmas playlist. Put your headphones in and drown out the family. Maybe buy yourself something nice.

Jason Bombach is an aging left wing punk who makes music under the name History History, writes, and shoots film. But mostly he scrubs toilets for money and is an organizer for the IWW. Check out his YouTube channel Death to The Algorithm or don’t. Yell at him on Bluesky at thecurmudgeon.bsky.social